This must be the place: Ode to a beautiful soul, ode to the unknowns of tomorrow
Garret K. Woodward photo
Yesterday was a rough one. Real rough. She moved out the last of her things from my apartment, formerly “our apartment.” She’d already signed a lease for a new spot across town. And she seemed genuinely excited to see what this next chapter of her life will look like in the coming weeks, months and years.
A pain in my heart emerged knowing this was the final thing we had to do together before we each began to walk on our separate, respective paths in life. We want to still remain friends and will most likely do so. I love her too much to not have her in my life moving forward, a sentiment also shared by her, each of us saying that exact thing to each other in parting.
In truth, we were really good for each other. There was a true and honest love between us, something felt on that very first date almost two years ago at the 5 Walnut Wine Bar in downtown Asheville. We ended up going on a date every day that initial week. We simply liked spending time together and still enjoy each other’s company, regardless of what place we hold in our existence.
Even in the brutal demise our relationship, we sincerely do not hate the other person. That love established between us remains steadfast and solid. We’re soulmates. And she’ll eternally be a true love of mine in my time on this earth. I remember even saying yesterday, “The craziest part of all this, is that I don’t hate you. I could never hate you. I love you, and I always will.”
The downfall of us came at the hands of life itself. Those daily stressors of nonstop work, trying to balance relationships, unresolved childhood/young adulthood trauma, deeply-held grief and so forth, all of which leading to severe bouts of depression, anxiety, resentment and sadness, where our connection became strained and heavy.
By this past Christmas, it was clear to us that we needed to slow the train down, take a break and recalibrate our hopes and dreams apart from each other. Although I was originally opposed to the idea and extremely distraught at the thought of her walking out of my life, I soon came to realize I needed to let her go, for the sake of not only her needs and such, but also for my own sanity and mental health.
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She and I needed to take a step aside and really, truly look at ourselves in the mirror. Is this where we wanted to be? Is this who we wanted to be with? Yes, we wanted to be with one another. But, this current trajectory of sorrow and sadness wouldn’t be sustainable in maintaining the healthy, stable relationship we both desired.
So, she left. And I started therapy, something I should’ve done years ago. And in these last four weeks of online sessions, I’ve come to really bring a lot of my whirlwind life (past and present) into the spotlight, to further examine just where it is I stand and where it is I want to ultimately go. She’s also on the same journey. And I wish her all the best. I just want her to be happy. I want to leave things on good terms and remain friends and soulmates. I want peace.
Thus, yesterday she pulled up to my apartment and started filling up boxes she acquired from the local liquor store. Trinkets from her childhood. Framed photos of friends and family. Endless makeup products and body care items, where now my bathroom feels extremely empty. Scented candles. Beloved dog-eared books. Jars of honey and other spices from the small kitchen we once shared, but never really cooked in as much as we wanted to together.
And then there were the memories, these moments we spent together now symbolized by certain things we started discovering around the apartment that she wanted to carry away with her or merely leave for me to own, honor and cherish.
That empty wine bottle from that wonderful day we spent at the Biltmore Estate that I’ve never seemed to want to throw away. Concerts tickets and backstage passes from all those shows I brought her to across the country — Maine to Montana, Utah to Florida, Texas to New York. T-shirts with names of bands we loved or small trinkets from locations of places we felt needed to be remember with the purchase of the souvenir.
Then, there were the tears. While helping her pack up the boxes, we’d occasionally bump into each other or reach for the other from time-to-time, our eyes finally connecting. Both sides of the interaction began to well up with deep emotion, even with not a single word being uttered between us. We just knew the other’s story (every story pretty much), with the time shared together something we’d never let go of, not matter the distance apart.
With the last of her stuff filling up her friend’s truck, she slowly began to say goodbye to me. We hugged and held each other tightly. No hate or resentment, just pure love between two vibrant souls wandering this universe in our own time and place. I didn’t want her to leave, but I knew she had places to go.
I’ll never regret our relationship. I just wish hindsight wasn’t 20/20 when it comes to bettering yourself and each other, before it’s too late to see what needs to be done to be happy, to both be happy and growing into our best selves in this wacky world. I told her I loved her and she reciprocated my truthful words back to me.
Who knows what the future holds, eh? That’s the craziest part about life itself. You just never know where it’ll take you. Maybe someday we’ll circle back and find each other once again, maybe it’ll happen in the next lifetime. I remain optimistic of the future ahead.
Nonetheless, as I watched her go, I thought of this quote I heard in passing the other day while I was on the road, on assignment in the depths of Nashville: “It is what it is. It was what it was. It ain’t what it ain’t.”
Stepping off the front porch, she began to walk down the sidewalk towards the jam-packed truck, but not before I yelled to her. She turned and looked at me. I blew her a kiss and smiled. She did the same, soon jumping into the truck and driving away, myself standing there in the doorway, now alone and wondering what comes next.
Life is beautiful, grasp for it, y’all.
