Finding space for two emotions at once
Growing older isn’t all bad.
My grandparents once gave me nuggets of wisdom and I would look at them and think, "How do they know all of that?"
I also remember during a teeth cleaning, my dental hygienist, who was probably in her 60s, told me to let other people be my crystal ball so I don’t waste time making every mistake myself. I was in my early 20s and I never forgot it. Let other people be your crystal ball. Is that not such profound advice?
Now I’m in my mid-forties, tipping closer to 50 by the day. Each year I feel more and more wisdom seep into my heart, mind and soul. This truly hit me last Sunday as we celebrated Mother’s Day.
My mom passed in 2016 and for years after, I found it difficult to celebrate Mother’s Day. For me, the day had always been about her. Even when I had my own kids, I was never the focal point. It was her day because she was my mother.
I stumbled through many Mother’s Days, trying to be grateful for my amazing boys but mostly paralyzed by sadness and also envious of my friends who were spending the day with their living, breathing mothers.
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Until last year when something shifted, and this year it shifted further.
I finally realized how to hold space for two opposing emotions at once. I figured out how to hold space for the grief I feel over the loss of my mom and the joy I feel about being a mother to two incredible boys. And this, my friends, is wisdom.
When I woke up this past Mother’s Day, I felt restless and a little disoriented. I knew this was grief churning in my soul. Instead of fighting it, I allowed myself to cry and wrote my mom a handwritten card, a tradition I started last year and wish I would’ve started right after she passed. It would be special to have that collection of cards, but that’s OK. I’ve started it now and will continue.
Writing a card as if I was giving it to her in person is a cathartic experience and one I suggest to anyone in my situation. It’s more powerful than typing something or saying words aloud or imagining the deceased are with you. It’s tangible and methodical and gives the body time to process emotions.
I saw a number of cardinals on Mother’s Day, more than most days, and I knew it was my mom saying hello from afar. As has become our tradition, my boys and I planted tomatoes, zucchini and other plants, then we all got spiffed up and went to dinner at one of my favorite restaurants in Asheville called Zambra.
After a fancy meal we ended the night at Five Guys enjoying French fries and shakes. Everything about the day was fun. We laughed and ate good food and were fully present, but there were small moments here and there where memories of my mom wafted through like a breeze and a deep longing intermittently punched me in the gut. But then it would pass and I continued having fun, celebrating my own motherhood.
I am proud of myself for learning this skill of holding space for two opposing emotions at one time. This pertains to other aspects of life as well. For instance, we can be sad something is over while looking forward to what’s next. Currently, this concept makes me think of our political climate. It seems some people are allowing politics and policy change to take over their lives and destroy their joy.
I’m not talking to the folks whose lives are actually being destroyed by decisions made by the current administration. I’m referring to people like me who are frustrated and bewildered about many things, but I’m working to not let it squelch my happiness and ability to stay present in the moment, particularly when I’m with those I love.
We can hold space for both. Part of my being can be angered or perplexed by something going on politically while another part of me is content and grateful for everyday life — waking up to birdsongs, sipping coffee, cutting a juicy mango, watering plants, watching my kids play sports, reading good books, laughing at a meme someone sends, and the list goes on.
It’s OK to hold space for this and that. It’s OK to split our hearts and minds between two situations or frustrations. But this isn’t a skill I’ve always had. It’s developed with age and time. And it’s not that it makes things easier per se, it just makes them deeper, more beautiful.
For those of you who are young, let me be your crystal ball. When you’re struggling with something, allow it to move through you, hold space for it, while at the same time holding space for all the good in your life. Believe me — the earlier you learn this skill, the more fluid life will be.
(Susanna Barbee is a writer, editor and digital media specialist. This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it..)
