This must be the place: Ain’t no time like the present to get your shit together
The pier at St. Augustine Beach, Florida. Garret K. Woodward photo
This evening, I realized that a wine bottle ordered at a restaurant (half-off bottles on Mondays) never lasts long enough when you’re with someone you love (friend, family, partner, etc.). And it never seems to empty itself when you’re by yourself.
Last Monday night. Vinnie’s Neighborhood Italian restaurant on Merrimon Avenue in Asheville. A long-time, beloved establishment. Although I’ve known about it since I moved to Western North Carolina some 13 years ago, I’d only been wandering in for the last two years or so.
Initially, my former girlfriend and I would go seemingly every Monday for the half-off wine bottle special. Order some garlic knots and our usual favorite Italian dishes. It was a semi-regular tradition we enjoyed for the majority of our two-year relationship. It was a great way to not only tie a bow on a long weekend, but to kick start the fresh work week with a delicious meal and hearty conversation.
And last week was the first time I’d returned for the Monday special since she and I broke up almost four months ago when the snow was flying around the mountains of Western North Carolina. It was odd to pull up, park, walk in and grab a seat at the bar counter solo. No waiting for two chairs or a nearby table to open up. Just sit down and order.
Pick the usual bottle of pinot noir. No garlic knots this go-round since they’ve been temporarily removed from the menu. Select my favorite dish there, which is the chicken paillard (with spinach and mashed potatoes). Drip some of the complementary bread in the small dish of olive oil and drops of vinegar with gusto. And ponder.
Gaze around Vinnie’s at the smiling couples (both young and old) and retrace your steps as to how you ended up at this juncture of your life. It wasn’t supposed to be like this, you think. But, then again, the one and only thing you can control is this world is how you react to a situation. Other than that? It’s pretty much a crapshoot of how the cards fall, although being genuinely kind to others and passionate in your daily endeavors does add up to a life well-lived.
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That phrase by the late Scottish poet Robert Burns rolls across my thoughts: “The best laid plans of mice and men often go awry.” I think of the women I’ve loved over the course of my existence. Women who’ve broken my heart, whose hearts I’ve broken. It’s always a messy encounter until you finally stand and walk alongside the person you’re meant to ultimately traverse this earth with.
In regards to matters of the heart, my intent has remained pure and passionate since the first time I fell in love in middle school. And yet, my follow-through still needs some work. The eternal quest for understanding and loving myself remains real and worthwhile. In which, immediately following this most recent breakup, I decided to sign up for therapy.
It was Christmas morning. I woke up alone and with a heavy heart. A deep sense of sadness filled my apartment. At a quarter to noon, I finally decided to get up and face the day. And also face the reflection in the bathroom mirror. By noon, I logged into BetterHelp.com and signed up for therapy, something that I’ve now been doing every week since that gloomy Christmas day.
In these last three months of online therapy sessions, I’ve learned so much about myself. They say the first step to loving yourself and getting to the root of your restless mind and personal traumas is to actually say out loud, “I’m not doing well.” And, against my normal “it is what it is” ethos of self, I’ve done that. Instead of saying, “Everything’s fine,” when asked by friends and strangers how I am, I now say the truth in how I’m feeling. And it’s incredibly liberating.
To preface, I’ve always been well aware of what rolls around my mind. My deep insecurities. My confidence to push ahead, come hell or high water. My fearlessness to pursue love. My fear of abandonment. Intense childhood trauma coupled with years of incessant bullying at the hands of my peers, not to mention a lack of friends until I got extremely good at sports in high school. Oh, and I was diagnosed with ADHD as a fourth-grader, eventually thrown onto a heavy prescription of Ritalin for most of my youth in the 1990s.
Through therapy, the culmination of the last paragraph has made me realize I have an anxious attachment style, one where I’m consciously and subconsciously seeking validation in every aspect of my life (friends, family, lovers, etc.). In essence, I just want to be loved (and love) and to solve problems. But, the insecurities within get the best of me and I sometimes end up self-sabotaging things in my life, trying to dig myself out of a hole only to have the hole get deeper.
All of which leads to troubled relationships, especially when, looking back, I usually have chased after women who would be labeled as dismissive avoidant — the logic being that you seek those who encompass things you’re missing. The dynamic is vice-versa, too, where the dismissive avoidant seeks something from what I have to offer, only to usually push away when things get too heavy or complicated.
But, regardless of those I pursue, what remains is, well, me and what I’m going to do about changing certain patterns in my life. The first step is saying you’re not doing well. The second step is to acknowledge your past patterns, to place labels on your actions and reactions. And to, ultimately, be cognizant of why you do what you do before you do it — to mitigate habits and motives.
Thus, I sat at Vinnie’s. Solo, but with optimism in my heart. We’re all a work in progress. I’m willing to do the work and will continue to do so. I want to make sense of everything. I want peace within and to radiate compassion. Like The Beatles sang, “And in the end, the love you take, is equal to the love you make.”
Life is beautiful, grasp for it, y’all.
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A bit heavy but cathartic. ..We all have emotional scars...but 'Write it in your heart that every day is the best day of the year'....this Emerson quote sits next to my Senior photo in my yrbk. I still try to live this. Love you ☘️ too much!!!!
Wednesday, 04/09/2025
