A book of peace in hard times
Given the harrowing natural disasters in the South, I thought a good book to review this month would be one that might serve as a source of solace and peace to those who are currently struggling with these catastrophes.
In addition, this book is a helpful guide for those who are not enduring the consequences of storms directly but perhaps have friends or family who are. But even if you are removed enough to not be personally or relationally affected, this book gives advice and understanding for any of life’s suffering.
Harold Kushner wrote “When Bad Things Happen to Good People” (Anchor; Reprint Edition, 2004, 176 pages) as a way to cope with his own hurt after the death of his young son, Aaron, who suffered from a rare, painful condition. But soon it became for him, a testament to Aaron’s brief, beautiful life: an opportunity to bring good out of evil, and comfort to other grieving people.
While I do not agree with Kushner’s basic theological premise, I can still appreciate and take to heart many of the points he makes in his work. When it comes to the existence of evil, Kushner holds that God can either be all-good or all-powerful, but he cannot be both. I believe God is both, but that would be a different piece of writing altogether and instead of reviewing what I disagree with, I’d like to point out some of the things that really stood out to me. As both someone who suffers and who wants to be there for loved ones who suffer, I found this book to hold refreshing perspectives and fruitful reminders.
Many times when life brings its tragedies, the sufferer’s loved ones don’t always bring the best comfort. Kushner points out that oftentimes it is well-intentioned and loving but at best, it falls short and at worst, can even be hurtful.
Sometimes I’ve been the recipient of “comfort” that ends up as salt on the wound, and other times I’ve been the comforter, thinking I’m saying the right thing. To an extent, this is inevitable. When you’re in the midst of your trial, you can’t control what people say or how they comfort you, but you can remind yourself how to not take it.
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Kushner writes about the cliche comfort sayings used in hard times and explains why they are not the best things to say; and in doing so, sympathizes and helps the sufferer know how to respond.
He also touches upon the different simplifications people come up with to cope with their suffering. One of them being the attempt to explain it away with a reason, whether that’s some sort of divine plan or a physical consequence. The problem of pain is no light matter and it ought not be discarded as some unintelligible mystery man can never comprehend. At the same time, the depth of its meaning is perhaps the journey of a human life and there never does seem to be a secret knowledge that cracks its code. Suffering hurts and it always will, regardless of how you explain it or understand it.
Kushner points out that trying to come up with a reason in the middle of grief diverts coping and usually ends up in blame, whether that’s directed at God, loved ones or oneself. Kushner writes on how suffering is not a punishment and when I first read that, I thought it to be an obvious statement, perhaps even a bit outdated. But the more I read, the more I realized how subtly that mindset slips in and how easy it is to have it in the back of your head throughout the coping process.
Just as suffering is not a punishment for your own “badness,” it is not meaningless either. At least, it doesn’t have to be. Kushner warns against falling victim to the idea that suffering, as arbitrary as it can be, is pointless. He describes different ways we can instill meaning to it and how addressing the pain itself is oftentimes the first step. Another thing suffering is not is a competition. When someone is enduring adversity, the response shouldn’t be one-upping them or elucidating on an even worse experience than theirs.
Personally, I think of suffering as a liquid. Each human has a cup inside them of different capacities and sizes. Yours may be only a mugnand someone else’s is a pitcher, but if both are filled to the brim what is the point of comparing?
The last point I’ll highlight is the importance of listening. When a loved one confides in you their troubles, it’s only natural to want to help, to advise, to fix their problems. But, as Kushner points out, many times the best way to help is simply to listen. There will be a time for advice and solutions, but in the beginning, many people just need an ear.
I hope this book is a help to those who are struggling and to those who are comforting. Suffering is not an easy thing and it seems to be integrally entwined in the human condition. Rather than removing it or “fixing” it, this book refocuses the reader to simply be compassionate.
(Anna Barren teaches fifth grade and is a lifelong lover of books. This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it..)
