Becoming aware of ‘emotional neglect’
I’ve always been a fan of psychology, especially when it comes in the form of self-help. Many times I have found answers I didn’t know I was looking for, or solutions that were far simpler than I expected.
And what feels like such slight changes breed far greater, better outcomes than I would have guessed. Dr. Jonice Webb has written a guide I believe so many people could benefit from called “Running on Empty” (Morgan James Publishing; First Edition, 2012, 250 pages).
A practicing clinical psychologist for over 20 years, Dr. Webb began seeing a trend in many of her patients. They were struggling with various problems: depression, poor self-image, emptiness, loneliness and even suicidal thoughts. The odd thing was that many of them didn’t have any sort of obvious or extreme trauma that would be the cause.
In fact, most of them even said themselves, “I don’t know why I’m like this, I came from a good family.” From there she started realizing that for many people, it’s not about what happened to them as children, but about what didn’t happen. This underlying trend is a very hidden, subtle factor called “emotional neglect.”
Dr. Webb explains how “neglect” is a term that is typically used in situations where children are not being provided basic physical necessities. In the emotional realm, it can be a lot harder to pinpoint. Part of the reason being that the parents can be well-intentioned and even good parents. But, they simply are not perfect and sometimes aspects of child-rearing get overlooked or not prioritized. The result is an adult who did not receive all the guidance and nurture that was needed.
Hence the title. She uses the analogy of us as a tank and the fuel is emotion. If we are not raised in a home where emotions are expressed and validated (but not given the power to control you), then as adults, we either repress emotions, ignore them or do not understand them. Moreover, we do not have the tools our parents should’ve given us to refill our tank, leaving us feeling drained, empty and broken.
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Dr. Webb outlines 12 different types of parenting that tend to cause “emotional neglect.” Some of them are on opposite ends: the authoritarian parent and the permissive one. Others are more extreme, like the narcissist or the sociopath. Some are parents who are struggling emotionally themselves: widower, a divorcee or a caretaker. Some parents have mixes of different traits but either way, reading all of them provides a much better understanding of where the parent is coming from and how “emotional neglect” comes to be.
One thing I really appreciate about Dr. Webb’s approach is that she does not want to cultivate a mindset of blame. While parents may not have done everything right, it does no good to resent them for it. Healing can only take place when you leave that behind and address the hurt that was inflicted. And in more serious situations, boundaries may need to be set up, but forgiveness can still exist there too.
“Emotional neglect” shows up in a range of symptoms: feelings of unworthiness, disconnection, counter-dependence, unrealistic self-appraisal, poor self-discipline, struggles to nurture and care for oneself, and more. In this guide, Dr. Webb very clearly identifies and explains these symptoms, showing the negative effects they have on the other realms of life. Most importantly though, she doesn’t just name the problem. She gives practical advice and tips for repairing the damage of “emotional neglect” and improving the habitual, unhealthy behaviors and mindsets that get formed over time.
Perhaps you read the first couple chapters and don’t think it applies to you, and for many people it may not. I still would suggest giving it a read as chances are, there’s someone you’re close to who does struggle with some of these things and this book provides great strategies for helping them overcome it, or even to just understand someone suffering from “emotional neglect.”
Moreover, I think this book is very important for parents or aspiring ones. Catching these patterns in your own life and fixing them will break the cycle of “emotional neglect.” Even if you’ve been a parent for a long time, it’s never too late to reflect on your own parenting methods and improve them. Maybe you even see yourself as one of the unhealthy parent types and your kids are mostly grown. You being on the same page and improving it can deepen your relationships with your adult children and help them heal.
But most of all, for anyone feeling dissatisfied, unworthy, alone or disconnected in their life, I highly recommend this book. It is a calm, loving guide to examining the wounds, be they great or small, that may have occurred in childhood. Dr. Webb not only explains the psychological concepts incredibly well, her hands-on strategies for healing make change feel attainable and inspires confidence to embrace what will help one flourish.
(Anna Barren is a teacher and book lover. This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it..)
